Confessions

This morning, I was talking with some girlfriends about the men and the relationships in our lives.  The conversation turned to abuse and self-esteem. Essentially, the general theme is that we need to be conscious about how we are repeating cycles in our life.  An hour later, one of my friends said to me that she admires me. She said that I don’t  take shit from anyone and that she admires that I know what I want.  I accepted her compliment.  However, I thought about it and the truth is that even though I’ve gotten a better grasp on what I want in my life, I still struggle. I still accept words over actions. I still hang on when I am very aware that my partner is making choices that aren’t consistent with the love he is declaring for me.  In short, I still take shit.  Even though I am aware that it is, in fact, bull shit.  In fact, I go so far as to call it bull shit, but words without actions means absolutely nothing.  And so, I shrink back and continue with the relationship due to “love” just like any other woman.

I’ve discovered that I have the ability to harness the love I’ve been shown in my life. Every relationship has added to my luster, filled me up even as it has knocked me down.  But the confession is that I still haven’t fully been able to back away even when I know that I should.  But I am getting closer and that feels good.

The journey continues.

My Deepest Desire

I rarely go to the club these days. Not because I feel I’m above going to the club.  In fact, I have a freakum dress or two in my closet that I do break out when my man is doing wrong.  However, there is something about this song. It’s incredibly foolish with a gazillion hypeman and other rappers.  I have to admit though, it makes me want to go to the club.  I want to hear this song just so I can put my hand up and rock out on the chorus and then I want to throw up the deuces and be out.

A girl can dream, can’t she?

The choice…is yours.

I have had an outstanding  few weeks.  I really have.  I have come to some interesting realizations that I believe have empowered me to move to the next phase of my personal development.  One of those realizations is the notion of choice and agency over ones life.

I am not sure why, but for some reason I’ve found myself in situations where I’ve felt stuck. After deep analysis of the situation, the conclusion I come to is that I have no choice.  I have to be here because of any number of reasons.  I do this because if I make myself believe that my hands are tied then I don’t have to then make other more difficult decisions.  For example, engaging in a profession that makes a lot of money.  The debate about life style and standard of living always weighs heavier than the true desire of my heart.  Although I can hold an extreme view, I’ve never believed in the concept of the starving artist.  I do believe in sacrfices for a dream but I don’t believe you need to not be able to pay your bills to make your dream happen.  I believe in calculated, purposeful risk.

I’ve examined my feelings with respect to all this and realize no matter what risk I decide to take or not take. It is always a choice.  You choose to be broke or you choose to be stable.  You choose to stay in a profession that makes you unhappy or you choose to walk away.  My instincts tell me that I’ve been making some brilliant decisions lately.  All of my decisions come from the core of who I am and what I want.  No matter what decision you end up making. You never lose if the intentions behind your choice are pure, honest and true.

PISSED. STATE

I have had a quiet rage bubbling inside me. I am disgusted by the events that occurred at Penn State. Every link in the chain failed. From the University President, to Paterno, to Mr. McCleary who saw a little boy being RAPED in the shower. I can’t tell you the inner turmoil I feel. I feel so troubled at how this was handled. I am disgusted to live in a society where something like this is allowed to happen. How do you sleep at night after seeing a CHILD raped? How? This reminds me of the KiteRunner. However, in Khaled Hosseini’s book, the witness was a child. I can understand a child not knowing what to do. However, I will never understand a grown ass man turning his back on such a horrible crime. To me, it seems to be an image that you can never erase from your mind. Doesn’t something like that haunt you? Why doesn’t our society care about children?

WHY?

 

What is it about me that makes people believe in me?  My life has been full of extended hands.  My current screenwriting mentor said that I seem powerful and impressive yet, gracious.  I am not threatening.  And truly, I am moving closer and closer to true authenticity.  I am so grateful that when people take the time to look at who I am, that is what they see.  Because I’m just being me.

 

AMAZING

Things are pretty amazing right now! HOORAY!!!!!!

Sigh

Dreams. Relaxing by the beautiful Caribbean waters. A wedding. Jokes and smiles.  Soft lips and long looks.  Decisions to build a life. Stormy days. Tears.

A love like this.

Bottles of wine devoured. Hours of doing nothing. Hours of doing something. Trust.  Wrapped up in strong arms. Cute poems.

I see you.

Look into my eyes.

I see you.

WHY I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

1) Because I think I’ve grown the most that I can on my own.  You grow the most when you are in  relationship with others. I don’t think I will reach my maximum potential  on my own.

2) Because I have no illusions that marriage will be easy.  I have never been one of those girls who fantasized about a wedding.  I know there is going to be rough patches, but I am willing to work hard to bridge those gaps for my life partner.

3) Because I think it’s healthy.  I think we were all meant to be in committed love relationships.  I want to take care of someone and I want someone to take care of me.  Simple enough.

4) Because I want to have kids.  I’ll be 34 in 3 weeks and I don’t feel any rush to get married due to my biological clock.  However, I am getting to that age of high risk pregnancy.

5) Because I’m smart, confident and sexy and I think I would make a good wife.  This doesn’t make me perfect, because I have plenty of crazy for the crowd, but my head is in a good space.

6) Because I believe in reinventing the institution of marriage.  I think each couple makes their own rules and I am looking forward to being creative with my life partner.

7)  Because I am not asking for more than I am willing to give. Every thing I ask of my partner, I am willing to supply. I’ve had 34 years to cultivate within myself the things I want from someone.

 

I think those are good reasons!

Reflection on a Relationship #2340

My last two relationships have been long distance.

No more.

If he doesn’t live in California or doesn’t plan to move to California within 6 months of us being together, there is no chance.

Long distance relationships do not work.

Plus, I need regular intimate time. LOL

Randoms

1) I don’t know if I’ll ever leave California.  Unless it falls into the sea.

2) The holidays are coming. I’m trying to stay upbeat but it’s hard.

3) I have recently started a secret love affair with Colby Jack Cheese.

4) I’ve discovered that  the closer I get to launching my writing the career, the more I really want to get married and start a family.

5)  I am starting fresh in 2011. I’m changing up everything, EXCEPT my hair. (That’s out of the norm for me.)

6) I did the best I could.  Yes, I did.

7) I am determined to be happy this holiday season.

8) I have connected with alot of really great people out here.

9) I feel like I’m rebelling against my family by not going home.  I don’t care. Planes fly both ways.

10) Lesson learned.