I’ve discovered that I have the ability to harness the love I’ve been shown in my life. Every relationship has added to my luster, filled me up even as it has knocked me down.  But the confession is that I still haven’t fully been able to back away even when I know that I should.  But I am getting closer and that feels good.

The journey continues.

I rarely go to the club these days. Not because I feel I’m above going to the club.  In fact, I have a freakum dress or two in my closet that I do break out when my man is doing wrong.  However, there is something about this song. It’s incredibly foolish with a gazillion hypeman and other rappers.  I have to admit though, it makes me want to go to the club.  I want to hear this song just so I can put my hand up and rock out on the chorus and then I want to throw up the deuces and be out.

A girl can dream, can’t she?

I am not sure why, but for some reason I’ve found myself in situations where I’ve felt stuck. After deep analysis of the situation, the conclusion I come to is that I have no choice.  I have to be here because of any number of reasons.  I do this because if I make myself believe that my hands are tied then I don’t have to then make other more difficult decisions.  For example, engaging in a profession that makes a lot of money.  The debate about life style and standard of living always weighs heavier than the true desire of my heart.  Although I can hold an extreme view, I’ve never believed in the concept of the starving artist.  I do believe in sacrfices for a dream but I don’t believe you need to not be able to pay your bills to make your dream happen.  I believe in calculated, purposeful risk.

I’ve examined my feelings with respect to all this and realize no matter what risk I decide to take or not take. It is always a choice.  You choose to be broke or you choose to be stable.  You choose to stay in a profession that makes you unhappy or you choose to walk away.  My instincts tell me that I’ve been making some brilliant decisions lately.  All of my decisions come from the core of who I am and what I want.  No matter what decision you end up making. You never lose if the intentions behind your choice are pure, honest and true.

What is it about me that makes people believe in me?  My life has been full of extended hands.  My current screenwriting mentor said that I seem powerful and impressive yet, gracious.  I am not threatening.  And truly, I am moving closer and closer to true authenticity.  I am so grateful that when people take the time to look at who I am, that is what they see.  Because I’m just being me.

A love like this.

Bottles of wine devoured. Hours of doing nothing. Hours of doing something. Trust.  Wrapped up in strong arms. Cute poems.

I see you.

Look into my eyes.

I see you.

2) Because I have no illusions that marriage will be easy.  I have never been one of those girls who fantasized about a wedding.  I know there is going to be rough patches, but I am willing to work hard to bridge those gaps for my life partner.

3) Because I think it’s healthy.  I think we were all meant to be in committed love relationships.  I want to take care of someone and I want someone to take care of me.  Simple enough.

4) Because I want to have kids.  I’ll be 34 in 3 weeks and I don’t feel any rush to get married due to my biological clock.  However, I am getting to that age of high risk pregnancy.

5) Because I’m smart, confident and sexy and I think I would make a good wife.  This doesn’t make me perfect, because I have plenty of crazy for the crowd, but my head is in a good space.

6) Because I believe in reinventing the institution of marriage.  I think each couple makes their own rules and I am looking forward to being creative with my life partner.

7)  Because I am not asking for more than I am willing to give. Every thing I ask of my partner, I am willing to supply. I’ve had 34 years to cultivate within myself the things I want from someone.

I think those are good reasons!

No more.

If he doesn’t live in California or doesn’t plan to move to California within 6 months of us being together, there is no chance.

Long distance relationships do not work.

Plus, I need regular intimate time. LOL

2) The holidays are coming. I’m trying to stay upbeat but it’s hard.

3) I have recently started a secret love affair with Colby Jack Cheese.

4) I’ve discovered that  the closer I get to launching my writing the career, the more I really want to get married and start a family.

5)  I am starting fresh in 2011. I’m changing up everything, EXCEPT my hair. (That’s out of the norm for me.)

6) I did the best I could.  Yes, I did.

7) I am determined to be happy this holiday season.

I have connected with alot of really great people out here.

9) I feel like I’m rebelling against my family by not going home.  I don’t care. Planes fly both ways.

10) Lesson learned.